What is your name?
What is your favorite color?
How many years have you been canyoneering? 0-1 1-2 2-6 6-10 10+
Are you wearing a helmet in your Facebook profile picture? Yes No
How many canyons have you successfully completed? 1-25 26-50 51-75 76-100 I can’t remember any more (100+) I’m a climber. Going downward is for the old and weak.
How fast are you? It’s not about speed. Stop and smell the poison ivy. My canyon times are generally double the Road Trip Ryan times. I am pretty average, nothing special here folks. I’m really fast as long as I remember to pause my stop watch during my breaks and lunch. I’ve passed my fair share of other groups. Was that it? … Let’s do another canyon before lunch!
Did you need the assistance of SAR in your first 100 canyons? Yes, but not for myself or my group. For someone in my group, but not myself. Yes, for myself. No. Well, we had plenty of salsa, but we were running low on chips.
Have you replaced your shoelaces due to canyon wear? Yes No need, I just keep tying knots. No Not to be rude, but those would actually be considered bends, as they are attaching two ends together.
Imlay, Kolob, Heaps: Never heard of them . Haven’t descended any of them. Descended one of them. Descended two of them. Descended all of them. Descended all of them in less than 24 hours combined.
When was your last technical canyon? In the last week. More than a week ago, but less than a month ago. More than a month ago, but less than a year ago. More than a year. There are things more important than canyons, you know.
When arriving at a keeper pothole in canyon, you: Yell to the leader. Potholes scare me. Fantasize about crossing it while I watch the toxic males in the group take over. Start filling potshots. Let’s do this. Take a sketchy route across or over it. Conquer it with ease. Potholes try to escape me.
In two words or less, what is your canyon spirit animal?
Has a family member, friend, or coworker confronted you about domestic violence because of physical marks resulting from canyon trips? Yes. No, but people have asked to join my [we do not talk about] fight club. No, I’ve done Spooky and Peek-a-boo several times and have never been cut or bruised because of my advanced techniques.
When arguing about the ethics of bolting: Copy, paste, and tweak (for originality) what I have read/heard from a respected member(s) of the canyon community. Use my own experiences, skill and knowledge to make my case. Find a way to insert Trump into the argument. You’re in my court now. Open candy crush and hope it ends soon. Fall into a classic heuristic trap.
Which of the following things have you seen in canyon? Dead animal floating in a pothole Live snake Live tarantula or scorpion Dying-but-not-dead mammal Shark eating a python eating a crocodile
Have you put on a frozen wetsuit or shoes? Yes No
What is the hottest weather you have done a canyon in? Less than 90 90-100 101-110 111+ you can call me “Scott Swaney"
Have you descended a canyon knowing you would have to stem over a stinky, decaying, maggot filled cow and its calf? Yes No
Is your name Tom, Richard, or Steve? Yes, I’m Tom Jones Yes, I’m Tom Collins Yes, I’m Rich Carlson Yes, I’m Rick Green Yes, I’m Steve Allen Yes, I’m Steve Howe Yes, I’m Steve Szoke Yes, I’m Steve Woodford Yes, I’m Steve Ramras No
Have you missed your significant other’s birthday or anniversary for a canyon trip? Yes No Both My newest piece of gear IS my significant other. The canyons fill the void in my heart.
What is the name of the National Park near Springdale? Zion’s Zions’ Zions
How strong are you? Pulling the fiddlestick is a little strenuous. I did a pull up once. I can carry my own weight. I can batman any pothole. I partner capture myself. My human pyramids are upside down.
Have you taken official training or courses? There is no classroom big enough for my ego. I only take courses. Canyons are dangerous. Yeah, I took a class. Learned what I needed to! I have taken several courses and I am still learning. I am 100% ACA approved! I took courses, and now I teach them.
I have rappelled from: Deadman Meat anchor Fiddlestick SandTrap Water Anchor Someone standing on the rope JellyFish Crumbling flake Hook Wart Twig Snow Air
How many different types of sandstone can you name? Sandstone. Navajo and Entrada. More than that. Waaaay more than that, and I know the order, all the formations, and have the word Moenkopi tattooed on my forehead.
Are you a member of the Utah Canyoneers Facebook group? No Yes Yes, and I have the shirt to prove it!
A fiddlestick is… Something I want to try. The stick of death. Actually a brand name of a toggle. Something that pairs well with a violin.
Have you successfully participated in a human pyramid? Yes No Define successful…
Have you done an “R” rated canyon? Yes, but I was carried. Yes, multiple times. Not yet. Never.
Have you done an “X” rated canyon? Yes, I pooped a little. Yes, multiple times (the canyons, not pooping). Not yet. Canyoneering is about minimizing risk, not maximizing it.
How well do you climb? I wore my harness through little wild horse. I can scramble if you hold my hand. I can handle myself in most situations. I don't need no stinkin' rope. I have to specify if I descended or ascended a specific canyon.
Have you spent more than $400 on canyon specific gear? Yes No
Have you ever had an epic? Yes Define epic. There have been situations. Just an epically good time
What is the longest rappel you’ve done? Less than 100’ Less than 200’ Less than 300’ Greater than 300’
You get into the canyon and realize your helmet is in the car 3 miles back. What do you do? Do the canyon anyway. No worries. Do the canyon but avoid being in any pictures. Forfeit the canyon and resign to rim crew. I’m here for the team. Hike back to the car. Safety first. Shuttle helmets for the obstacles.
Skinny canyons… Nope. No sir. I’m a skinny person. I just walk. I can push the panic away. Can I just stem over it? It doesn’t bother me, but I don’t enjoy it. Band aids on the nipples, let’s squeeze!
I have been in a flash flood Yes – I knew it would rain but didn’t want to miss out on the canyon. Yes – the leader said we would be fine. Yes – but I really haven’t and just lie about it. No – I have bailed on a descent because of rain and don’t regret the decision. No – I haven’t gone canyoneering enough.
How much time per day do you spend trolling canyoneering forums? Approximately 38 minutes. I don’t troll, I lurk… with popcorn. I don’t get notifications because I’m already there. I usually just post my trip reports and glory in the positive attention. I’m usually on multiple forums, so if you add it up, it’s more than 24 hours. It’s not trolling because I’m right.
At what lengths will you go to avoid water? I jump in with both feet. Is it crotch deep? They don’t call it bridging for nothing! I’m Jesus, I walk on water.
Do you intend to use this quiz to prove your legitimacy for future canyon keyboard battles? Yes No
How many of these questions did you search for the “it depends” option? All of them. It always depends. I hate that phrase. Only on the trick questions. Wait?!! There were trick questions?
